2.Choose your campsite carefully. A discerning camper knows that no matter how many campsites are available at the time of registration, it is essential that you preview them all before committing to one. There are a number of factors that one should consider when selecting the best place to pitch her tent. Among other ideal conditions, such as a lack of rocks, “widow maker” trees, and little girl ghosts on bicycles, proximity to rednecks deserves special attention. While it might make more sense to some people (such as people who went to fancy universities, listen to NPR, and/or master the didgeridoo) to try to stay as far away from rednecks as possible, you must remember that cultural exchanges are important if you want to be an open-minded, well-rounded feminist, so you should strive to place yourself in diverse settings whenever possible (in the end, you probably have more in common with the four Chinese tourists playing mahjong on a picnic table next to the other campsite that you were considering). Keep in mind: rednecks, like black bear cubs and deer, are just as afraid of you as you are of them.
3.Check the weather, and for god’s sake, woman, seam seal your tent! Otherwise, you will end up sleeping in your car.
4.When the man at the gas station asks you how much wood you would like to buy, do not respond, “Enough for one fire, please.” This is not a thing.
5.Blow on it. This is how you get your campfire to grow. It is also what rednecks shout repeatedly at girls from the next campsite over when their first strategy of just standing there and staring at them for an hour fails to get their attention. For the record, fanning the fire with a Tupperware container lid will do the trick, while also entertaining your neighbors from Bumpass, Virginia (name of place has NOT been changed to protect rednecks). About five minutes after we got our fire started, the torrential downpour resumed and we sought refuge in the leaky tent (see rule #3).
6.When the only girl in the group of rednecks invites you to toast marshmallows over their propane-enhanced fire, take her up on it. This will lead to one of the cultural exchanges mentioned above and enrich everyone’s understanding of social groups that differ from their own. You will learn that sometimes women are linebackers on their high school football teams until they drop out, after which it is against the rules to play anymore. They will learn that sometimes women work in neuroscience labs and experiment on rats.
7.Don’t ask the girl redneck how she broke her leg. While her ability to tackle and be tackled by men on football fields is admirable, the fact that she gets in physical fights with guys who push her down hard enough that she ends up in a cast for 4-to-8 weeks is not quite the breed of feminism that you’re going for.
8.If you think that there is a possibility that you will be struck by lightning, assume this position:
Granted, it looks kind of silly, but in the event that you are indeed struck by lightning, it will divert the electricity away from your vital organs and increase your chances of survival. Then, once the storm has passed, you can play leap frog. This tip falls into the same category as not dropping your hands to your sides during a stampede and spitting to find which way is up before you start digging after you’ve been buried by an avalanche. These are just a few of the many dire situations that feminists worldwide risk finding themselves in every day.
9. Don’t buy a “zesty” pickle-in-a-bag from the camp store. While you may find the phallic cartoon pickle man on the package intriguing after a few glasses of wine (read: a few swigs directly from the bottle that you pushed the cork into with your chapstick because you didn't bring a corkscrew), there are multiple reasons why this is never a good idea. You’re a feminist, after all.
10. Don’t feed the animals. This means throwing your uneaten, neon-colored alleged pickle product in the bear-safe trash cans which can be found near the bathrooms and scattered among the campsites (opening them the first time can be a little tricky, but that’s kind of the point, and once you get the hang of it, it’s a practically effortless procedure). It may be obvious to you, but wild animals do not realize that zesty pickles-in-bags are not viable sources of sustenance. They will come and eat whatever you leave lying around. Then they will get used to human contact. Then they will die. This is a simple but important point: It may be within a feminist’s right to be truculent at times, but it is never ok to kill animals for no reason.
